One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
