TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
