I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
