Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
