Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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