I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
