I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
