Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
