No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
