I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
