11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
