Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
