I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
