My sheets look like a crime scene.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
