last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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