how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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