If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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