Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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