dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
