Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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