we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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