She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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