I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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