theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
50% drunk capacity currently
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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