the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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