Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
