I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
