...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
