quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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