just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
