sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
