The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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