Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
