Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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