ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
