goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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