I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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