Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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