I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
