He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
