Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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