A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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