Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
