I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Randomize
