Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
