I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
