its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She tied me up with her honor cords...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
