Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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