guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
