god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
